For the last two weeks, I have been getting daily spam from FTD.com and their ilk.

I've had 3 from FTD since 8 am.

I'm not saying that I would perpetrate a DDOS attack on their servers, nor do I condone such actions. But I do admit I would giggle like a giddy schoolgirl if I read about such a thing.

And now, a message to the floral merchants clogging my inbox:

Dear Flower fuckers:

I am aware of what tomorrow is. So is the rest of the world.

Please be advised that
  • Some people already have things taken care of, and therefore don't need your spam
  • Some people don't need/want to have tomorrow shoved in their faces due to the pain it may cause, and don't need your spam.
  • The rest of them don't care, and don't need your spam.

See a pattern?

Now, stop the spam before I order your largest, thorniest setting in the largest vase possible and shove that botanical nightmare so far up your ass, you'll have blooms coming out of your ears and nose.

FOADIAF

No Love,

Me.
So, here I am, reading my email.

We use Thunderbird here at home. And, naturally, I have images disabled. This can have the effect of placeholder text showing up where the picture ought to be.

And then once in a while, it ends up in a place it probably ought not to be, causing hilarity.

Please note that the underlined text below shows the placeholder for an image of Butter Nut Munch...

I periodically get these spam mails in my inbox "$500 gift card for $store is waiting for you to claim it" And of course, you can't claim these cards without participating in a dozen or so bullshit offers.

The one that scared me today? "Claim your $100 McDonalds card"

I can't conceive of eating $100 of McDonalds food. ::shudders::
Got this in my email this morning. I was amused.

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half life of 2- to 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Subject: Obituary to Common Sense

An Obituary printed in the London Times. Interesting and sadly true

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, 'Common Sense', who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement .

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights; I Want It Now; Someone Else Is To Blame; I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

NOTE: Management would greatly appreciate a lack of comments about the actual case regarding the stupid bint who put hot coffee between her legs. Other facts notwithstanding, it was still absolutely stupid to put hot anything there. Thankyou.
... to the Paulson bailout. Demand 'No blank check' - tell your Congresscritter you do not support giving Wall Street a blank check with no oversight. With an economy on the ropes, a rapidly shrinking job market (did you know 605,000 jobs have been lost since the beginning of this year?), and a tidal wave of foreclosures and bad mortgages, the arrogant ... persons ... on Wall Street and in the current Administration want to reward the folks that caused this whole thing while charging the taxpayer for it. Maybe, just maybe, if enough of us scream loudly enough, Congress will finally grow a spine and stand up for what's right.


(Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] nostasia for the information)
grayhawkfh: (Groucho)
I received this email today from a friend of [livejournal.com profile] mousecat0.

(Well, [livejournal.com profile] mousecat0 got it and forwarded it, but what the hell)

I don't know how much is true, or if the auction will be up much longer. So here is the link and the story:

LOT OF POKEMON CARDS THAT MY KIDS TRIED TO SNEAK BY ME - (eBay item 130144061675 end time Aug-22-07 12:03:50 PDT)

I'm selling a bunch of Pokemon cards. Why? Because my kids sneaked them into my shopping cart while at the grocery store and I ended up buying them because I didn't notice they were there until we got home. How could I have possibly not noticed they were in my cart, you ask? Let me explain.
rest of laughter inducing story behind this cut )

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